Educating Connie

In September, my husband and I took a class titled, "Strength-Finders". My top strength is Learner. Meaning, I love to learn things. It's the process of learning, not necessarily what I've learned, that I enjoy. One of the my other strengths is "input". I collect things: photos, postcards, information.

Here's how they've played out the past few months since my mother's diagnosis. When we first learned my mother's cancer was a certain type, the family began our collective research project finding all possible information from the internet. I tried to stay with websites that I knew I could trust for medical terminology. The more I learned, the less I wanted to know. To the untrained medical person, liver cancer is liver cancer. To the medical person, it was adenocarcinoma. Again, I didn't like what I learned -- where liver cancer (or adenocarcinoma) originates, treatment options, life expectancy. The tumor is inoperable. It wasn't very good.

After more tests showed that the liver cancer didn't originate somewhere else, now it was called cholangiocarcinoma. That's still liver cancer to you and me. It means the treatment is different - the tumor is operable. Life expectancy is longer. Instead of months, we now have the possibility of 3-5 years.

Today, my mother was scheduled for surgery. Was scheduled. It's been delayed for two days because of blood. More stuff to learn about. More stuff I don't want to know. Stuff about blood antibodies and antigens.

Sadly, I'm only interested in all this information because of my mother's cancer diagnosis. I have no desire to know more about it. Nor do I enjoy learning about it. I am, however, thankful that there are people who have a passion for medicine, who want to learn and know about various cancers, antibodies and antigens.

There were days I had to hold myself back from researching "cancer". My brain ceased to process the information. I couldn't arrange the information I had collected into something I could deal with. (I needed someone who's strength is Arranger). Honestly, I didn't want one. I wasn't going to Arrange my information into a pretty hard-bound scrapbook that I would get out on a regular basis to "re-live" the experience. I want this to be a one-time, short-term experience.

There has been some comfort in all this cancer research. Modern medicine has made great strides in cancer diagnosis and treatment. Patients are living longer. People are becoming more aware. Cancer is more prevalent in our society. More people are diagnosed with it. Family and friends of cancer patients are telling their experiences, sharing their successes. It's encouraging for me. That's what I hope this blog does for others: that it encourages them.

We live to battle another day!

The Role of My Mother

When I first found out about my mom's cancer diagnosis, one of my pastors gave me a book, "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman. The phrase: All relationships are unique, no exceptions. I took the information one step further -- all relationships are unique because each person in the relationship is unique.

Somehow, I started to think about the roles my mother has played at different times throughout my life. She has been a teacher, nurse, comforter, colleague, mentor, friend, parent, nurturer, protector, defender, disciplinarian. These roles are very similar to another parent, but that's another story for another time.

As a teacher, my mom taught me how to tie my shoes, bathe myself, dress myself, walk and chew gum (okay - that one needs some more work - haha), ride a bike. Later in life, she taught me how to drive a car, do laundry, cook, clean, and balance my checkbook (all without the aid of a calculator or computer software application program).

As long as I was in school, and dependent upon them for my basic needs, my mom was my parent, not my friend. We didn't "hang out" together on a regular basis. We didn't "giggle" like little girls together. She didn't go with me to roller skating parties or Saturday morning bowling. That's not to say she wasn't friendly. But, her role at that time in my life was as a parent. The friend would come later.

When I graduated from college, moved to Southern California with my parents, and began my career in civil service, we become colleagues. She always had the higher pay and the "manager" title that went with it. She was never my boss. We were never on the same program and I think we only attended one or two meetings together. We had separated our familial relationship at work where others had not. At work, she was Mary Jo. I referred to her as Mary Jo even though I never called her that to her face. At home, she was mom.

What roles has your mother played in your life? Have you thanked her? One year for my birthday, I sent my mother a rose for every year of my life. It's idea I borrowed from my high school speech teacher's son, who sent his mom one rose for every year of his life.

Our relationship hasn't always been easy. Again, that's another story for another time.

Suffice it to say, our relationship has weathered some pretty rough times.

Recently, I asked her her if there were any unresolved issues in our relationship. A topic broached only because of a broken relationship with one of her younger brothers. She said "no - we're okay." And, we are.

What kind of relationship do you have with your mom? If you have a broken relationship with your mother, daughter, sister, brother or anyone else, take the time now to resolve those issues, while you're both alive. As I've come to realize all too quickly these past few months, time is not always on our side.